Harry Potter and the Half-my age lesbians.

K. So I’m a Harry Potter fan…and obviously I had to immediately go see the movie when it came out. I was so desperate I went, for the first time ever, by myself to see it. I was supposed to go with a friend and a flask to see it but those plans fell through. We also weren’t sure how illegal bringing a flask of alcohol into a roomful of children was. It’s definitely illegal to bring it into any other movie.. but I feel like I would be opening up a whole other can of worms when flasking it to a child’s movie and I’m not sure my life is pathetic enough (yet) to go there.

So Thursday morning I woke up hung over as bum but excited as a kid on Christmas. I was going to see Harry Potter today. This is what I was like the morning I saw it (insert Harry Potter everytime they say Nintendo 64):

I drove myself to Newport (illegally, I’m not supposed to be driving, which is a whole other story, but Harry Potter put a spell on me so I had to break some laws), and bought my over priced ticket. I remembered that I had a gift card for Smoothie King and a Carribean Way sounded amazing so I popped in for on. I don’t know why or how but it took like ten freaking minutes for them to make my smoothie. I think it had something to do with the fact that the girl making it was far more interested in her text messages than my Caribbean Way. Anyways, the bitch made me late so I walked into a theater full of creepy middle-aged people sitting by themselves (and immediately saw myself ten years into the future) and couldn’t find a seat. I ended up finding one next to two 16-year-old girls. The movie starts.

-5 minutes in-
The girls sitting next to me start talking. I let it slide. I figured maybe they were just trying to remember what happened in the last movie and trying to get up to speed. Not everyone reads the entire series over each time a movie comes out like I do and I understand that.

-15 minutes in-
The girls sitting next to me pop their gum. Talk. Giggle. More gum popping.  My internal body temperature begins to rise as my temper begins to rise (keep in mind I am still on steroids and ready to rage at any given moment).  I take deep breaths and get lost back in Harry’s eyes and Ron’s new muscles.

me in 30 seconds...

-20 minutes in-
The girls sitting next to me are talking again. I shoot them the death stare… the one that says ‘don’t make me come over there because I will if I have to turn my head away from this movie again to tell you to shut up with my eyes.’ I usually give a few death stares then move onto my next move, which is the death stare accompanied with a “shsssssssshh.”

-30 minutes in-
More gum popping, giggling and chatting.  Another death stare. I had a feeling this was going to turn out like the time I saw “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and I actually yelled at a group of girls several times throughout the movie because my death stares and shussing didn’t work. In the process I embarrassed all of my girlfriends that were with me.. possibly why I have to see movies alone now.  Harry Potter is 2 hours and 33 minutes long. I sighed and faced the fact that I was probably going to have to get vocal.  I was only holding back at this point from giving them the ‘ssshhhh’ because I was by myself and there were two of them. I didn’t want to get tag-teamed in the parking lot after the movie by two Jonas brother’s fans.

-35 minutes in-
More talking. Gum chomping, etc. I shoot another death stare. This time, I couldn’t believe what I saw. THEY WERE MAKING OUT.  In Harry Potter.  A CHILD’S MOVIE.  I was immediately filled with a gigantic awkward feeling of creepiness. Did I do something illegal by witnessing these two underage lesbians make out? Does this count as watching kiddie-porn? If they report me for giving them death glares can I go to jail? So many questions were running through my mind.  I actually thought about getting up and moving just because I felt so uncomfortable.

-2 hours in-
I feel so uncomfortable I can barely enjoy the movie. I have had my hand blocking my right peripheral vision just so I can pretend that there aren’t two teenage girls acting like their at the Phantom Theater at Kings Island instead of a movie theater at Newport.  I am praying for Harry to wrap his shit up and for Dumbledore to be on his merry way into the afterlife so I can get the f out of there.

-1 minute into my car ride home-
I feel relief I got out of there without being arrested for being a pedophile. I don’t know if it only makes you a pedophile if you enjoy seeing kids make out or if you just see kids make out.. I didn’t want to stick around to find out so I sprinted as inconspicuously as I could to my car.

Now, I’m totally down with gays and lesbos and stuff but they ruined Harry Potter for me.