Retards running amuck on campus

I saw a retarded person on campus today.

I am nothing but baffled by the fact that a legitimate retarded person can go to college. Isn’t college a place for higher learning and all that jazz? I just don’t understand how someone who is mentally retarded can hack it. Like ‘hi, I can’t help myself from drooling or color in the lines but seems like calculus should be a breeze.’

So, I wonder is there like a special ACT or SAT that the mentally retarded take to get into college? Is it measured on a numerical scale? Or some sort of kindergarten-star scale? You get one point for correctly connecting the dots, one point for knowing what sound a doggy makes and another point for not gluing your fingers together during the arts and crafts section. If you get all three thenyou should go to college. The most gifted retards go to Retarvard, a sister school of Harvard, where they give out scholarships for wheelchair basketball and for making popsicle stick puppets.

But on great occasion, I am proud to say, some slip through the cracks and wind up at good ol’ UC. Today I found myself walking behind these said creatures and reading the Barney stickers on his bookbag and sign that says return me to (insert address) if found.  I can’t help but to think that the things I think are hard and spend hours studying and learning, might not be that hard. Then, I begin to wonder who the retard is?

A campus abundant with retard definitely doesn’t say much for my education or UC’s standards (or lack thereof). I have yet to have a class with one of these puzzling creatures but I am dying just to see what it’s like. I would purposely miss a class just to have an excuse to borrow their notes to see what they’re about. I want to get up inside that big water head. I imagine the conversation to be something like this:

Oh hey Special Olympian, I missed class on Monday because I was involved in a vehicular crash. Ohhhhh.. you got in a wreck once? On your big wheel? That must have been traumatic experience for you. However did you get through this trying time in your life? How did you recover? A snack pack and daffy duck bandaid, you don’t say.

Ergo, my new goal in life is to have class with a retard. I’m currently in the process of changing my major to criminal justice because, let’s face it, I think I have the chance of meeting the most rahtards there. Also, I have already gotten a book on how to translate retardoglyphics in case the above conversation takes place, and can already smell the sweetness of their play-doh scented skin.