Interviews are stupid

Interview are stupid. This is why I think so:

No one really ever acts how they do in an interview in real life. Every time I go in for an interview I’m all smiles. In real life, I’m all asshole.

Everyone should wear waders to get through all the bullshit that is explosively diarrhead out of people’s mouths.  When I go in for the interview I like to play a little game called Everything but The Truth. I think the name speaks for itself.  I mean who ever says what their weakest point really is?  I know in the back of my mind I’m thinking :

Well, Bob, if that’s really your name, my weakest point is that I’m not really what’d you call a work horse. I prefer laying around, giving people sass, and stalking men on facebook to doing any actual work or thinking. While we’re on the subject of thinking I should mention that I only like mindless projects. See, I’m  normally pretty hung over and will be trying to intensely concentrate on not throwing up in public and simultaneously attempting  to save up whatever brain functioning I have allotted today for happy hour so I can tell witty jokes and have people think I’m funny and, hence, want to sleep with me. If you’re going to make me think, then I’m going to be tired and boring or have to skip happy hour altogether and, hence, remain loveless.

A few more questions I hate are:

Tell me about yourself.
Well, lady, what do you want to know about me? I had meatloaf for dinner last night, my favorite color is purple and I peed my lamb chop sheets every night until I was in 3^rd grade.

Why did you leave your last job?
Oh! Easy! I was too hung over to go in one day so I said “f” it.

Do you consider yourself successful?
There are three things I’m successful at: stalking, drinking and burning bridges. I didn’t see that in the job description so I think we may have a different idea of what success is but try to be open minded.  Let me translate that into some skills you might consider more appealing: I am a resourceful , feisty drunk.

How long do you expect to work for us?
Three months. Then I expire.  But look at it this way: I last longer than a gallon of milk and milks has its own billboards and ads.  I bet if you put me on billboard more people would find my expiration date more acceptable and I’d also lay $20 down on the table that more people would find me acceptable if my last sentence made sense.

Tell me about your dream job:
Um, none.

There is nothing more in this world I would love to do than drop my brutual honesty bomb on someone in an interview. Personally, I think I would hire me on the spot, if I were a male I would hire me and propose to me on the spot.