This is the story of Hobbs
Who has snot in his shnauze
Because when he drinks he sobs.
He loves to come to the bar
And make sweet love to PBR.
…To get free booze
He’ll bang anything-even if it moos
takin’ home uglies:old news!
Once, to get free beer
He banged a male deer–
put right in his rear.
That’s also called a buck
But he wouldn’t have known if it was a duck
–that cuervo had him so messed up
he should have just put rabies in his cup
cuz now he foams at the mouth
after that deer touched him down south.
like Old Yeller, he’s in deep
even forced to sell his green jeep.
But,instead of paying for his medical bills
to cure him of his bestiality ills
he spent his money on Jack Daniels
and naked Cocker spaniels.
and a plot for bob’s dust granules.
So in summing up,
He is one sick pup
So, ladies steer clear
Of the man dressed in Cincinnati gear

1. Do you like blue cheese? used to hate it, but it’s growing on me. Mostly because I don’t shower though and i’m growing all sorts of bacteria over here.

2. Have you ever smoked? only that cracky crack rock  but that was only to fail a drug test to get on welfare. Much like Dennis and Dee.

3. Do you own a gun? No, when i fear the presence of an intruder i usually grab some sort of aersol can and a hanger. My plan is to always blind them then gauge their eyes out with the hanger. just kidding i got a white wife beater with a seeker underneath and a hump under my seat that’s the sawed off.

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was your favorite? orange..but i do enjoy black cherry. i f’ing hate grape. To be honest, I can’t do kool aid after freshmen year and everclear.

5. Do you get nervous before a doctors appointment? only the gyno.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? good at sporting events.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? The Grinch

8. Favorite thing to drink in the morning? another beer to kill the hang over. just kidding my name is not A Wal the serial killer.. i prefer coffee.

9. Can you do push ups? and clap. holler.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? vagina ring. just kidding, i think piercings and tattoos are sicknasty.

11. Favorite hobby? turtle porn

12. Do you have A.D.D.? only monday-friday

13. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? i love myself. duh.

14. Middle name? diva.. just kidding it;s diane but lets keep that on the hush hush

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? well this is a dumb question bc clearly im thinking about this survey, fool

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? water, beer, wine?

17. How many siblings do you have? that crazy bitch is my mom so i have 11 siblings.

18. Current height right now? i’d estimate about 3’11″ because i’m sitting down

19. Favorite place to be? red lobster. serving only people who disgust me as well tip shitty

21. Where would you like to go? where wouldn’t i like to go.. the only thing ican think of is back to womb or something

22. Name three people who might complete this: not sure

23. Do you own slippers? no. i had to give them all to the minotaur who lives above me.

24. What shirt are you wearing now? my red lob gear. i live in these duds.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? only if the hoe im shacking up with has them.

26. Can you whistle? yeah but not very well bc my mom hates whistling

27. Favorite color? purple

28. Would you be a pirate? only if i could be the captain. well really i think being a pirate would be sweet.. you sail around making ur living by pilfering annnnd drink rum all day.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? none usually..

30. Favorite Girls Name? Adelynne

31. Favorite boy’s name? i used to like aidan til everyone started naming their offsprings aidan. but i used to always name my Nano baby aiden in 6th grade. Now, i like the names Novak, Leander, and Lane. Don’t you f’ing steal them… the names not my future babies.. those will be up for grabs. or abortion.

32. What’s in your pocket right now? a wine opener

33. Last thing that made you laugh? talking to bridget on gchat

34. What vehicle do you drive? the sweetest celica on earth. custom paint job and everything. its so sick

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? broken toe from playing sand volleyball drunk.

36. Do you love where you live? now that hughfert left the premises

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3 trillion. my house is one big tv

38. Who is your loudest friend? ashley but i may come in a close second… mood permitting

39. Do you have any pets? jenny.. she is a party animal. and jill bc she has rabbit like characteristics

40. Does someone have a crush on you? probably i’m so f’ing awesome. and i have a really cool life and have time to fill out these really cool surverys on facebook.

41. Your favorite book(s): both of chelsea handler’s.. and my journal from senior year that carlos and i happened upon last sat.

42. Do you collect anything? notches on my bedpost. awwwww snnnnthaaaaap

43. Favorite Sports Team? any team that i know someone who plays.. i’d say it used to be UC from my jersey chasin days but most of those bitches have graudated so i’m in the market for a new one.

No one really ever acts how they do in an interview in real life. Every time I go in for an interview I’m all smiles. In real life, I’m all asshole.

Everyone should wear waders to get through all the bullshit that is explosively diarrhead out of people’s mouths.  When I go in for the interview I like to play a little game called Everything but The Truth. I think the name speaks for itself.  I mean who ever says what their weakest point really is?  I know in the back of my mind I’m thinking :

Well, Bob, if that’s really your name, my weakest point is that I’m not really what’d you call a work horse. I prefer laying around, giving people sass, and stalking men on facebook to doing any actual work or thinking. While we’re on the subject of thinking I should mention that I only like mindless projects. See, I’m  normally pretty hung over and will be trying to intensely concentrate on not throwing up in public and simultaneously attempting  to save up whatever brain functioning I have allotted today for happy hour so I can tell witty jokes and have people think I’m funny and, hence, want to sleep with me. If you’re going to make me think, then I’m going to be tired and boring or have to skip happy hour altogether and, hence, remain loveless.

A few more questions I hate are:

Tell me about yourself.
Well, lady, what do you want to know about me? I had meatloaf for dinner last night, my favorite color is purple and I peed my lamb chop sheets every night until I was in 3^rd grade.

Why did you leave your last job?
Oh! Easy! I was too hung over to go in one day so I said “f” it.

Do you consider yourself successful?
There are three things I’m successful at: stalking, drinking and burning bridges. I didn’t see that in the job description so I think we may have a different idea of what success is but try to be open minded.  Let me translate that into some skills you might consider more appealing: I am a resourceful , feisty drunk.

How long do you expect to work for us?
Three months. Then I expire.  But look at it this way: I last longer than a gallon of milk and milks has its own billboards and ads.  I bet if you put me on billboard more people would find my expiration date more acceptable and I’d also lay $20 down on the table that more people would find me acceptable if my last sentence made sense.

Tell me about your dream job:
Um, none.

There is nothing more in this world I would love to do than drop my brutual honesty bomb on someone in an interview. Personally, I think I would hire me on the spot, if I were a male I would hire me and propose to me on the spot.

THIS IS FANNNNTASTIC!!!!!!!

I saw a retarded person on campus today.

I am nothing but baffled by the fact that a legitimate retarded person can go to college. Isn’t college a place for higher learning and all that jazz? I just don’t understand how someone who is mentally retarded can hack it. Like ‘hi, I can’t help myself from drooling or color in the lines but seems like calculus should be a breeze.’

So, I wonder is there like a special ACT or SAT that the mentally retarded take to get into college? Is it measured on a numerical scale? Or some sort of kindergarten-star scale? You get one point for correctly connecting the dots, one point for knowing what sound a doggy makes and another point for not gluing your fingers together during the arts and crafts section. If you get all three thenyou should go to college. The most gifted retards go to Retarvard, a sister school of Harvard, where they give out scholarships for wheelchair basketball and for making popsicle stick puppets.

But on great occasion, I am proud to say, some slip through the cracks and wind up at good ol’ UC. Today I found myself walking behind these said creatures and reading the Barney stickers on his bookbag and sign that says return me to (insert address) if found.  I can’t help but to think that the things I think are hard and spend hours studying and learning, might not be that hard. Then, I begin to wonder who the retard is?

A campus abundant with retard definitely doesn’t say much for my education or UC’s standards (or lack thereof). I have yet to have a class with one of these puzzling creatures but I am dying just to see what it’s like. I would purposely miss a class just to have an excuse to borrow their notes to see what they’re about. I want to get up inside that big water head. I imagine the conversation to be something like this:

Oh hey Special Olympian, I missed class on Monday because I was involved in a vehicular crash. Ohhhhh.. you got in a wreck once? On your big wheel? That must have been traumatic experience for you. However did you get through this trying time in your life? How did you recover? A snack pack and daffy duck bandaid, you don’t say.

Ergo, my new goal in life is to have class with a retard. I’m currently in the process of changing my major to criminal justice because, let’s face it, I think I have the chance of meeting the most rahtards there. Also, I have already gotten a book on how to translate retardoglyphics in case the above conversation takes place, and can already smell the sweetness of their play-doh scented skin.

I never never wanted to hurt you
but I’m a relationship that involves your mom too
I know what your going to say
and we didn’t go about things in the right way.

But how do you think I feel
at least I’m the home wrecker
and your dads the one w/the raw deal

Really, when it comes down to it,
hook, line and sinker, your mom bit
She really loves the booty
Megan Shively is her duty.
So don’t get mad
just leave that up to your dad.
Instead, waddle over to your mom on your kanks
and go ahead and tell her said thanks

Professor ***ler, Professor ***ler,
in high school, I bet you were a nerd
I have a place for those memories
keep them back in the past please,
along with your clothes
cuz I’m sick of your camel toes.

grosssssssss man

1985 sent you to collections
for your outdated joke selections
They would like them back
Cuz you’re making them look whack.

You seemed sweet and cametoeliscious
Turns out you’re nothing but vicious
I’m kind of glad I had to drop the class
So I don’t have to look at your flat, toast ass.

I bet that when you wake up on Sunday
(Alone, cuz you couldn’t get a lay)
You pray to Public Relations
And sacrifice undeserving Haitiians
You think PR is devine
Devoting your life as a shrine.
Missing a PR class is a sin
But so is shopping out of goodwill’s sale bin

You’re being an unreasonable bitch
So here’s my PR pitch:
Get your ass out of goodwill
And take a chill pill.
If I see an f on my transcript
Your camel toe is gonna get zipped.

So Thursday morning I woke up hung over as bum but excited as a kid on Christmas. I was going to see Harry Potter today. This is what I was like the morning I saw it (insert Harry Potter everytime they say Nintendo 64):

I drove myself to Newport (illegally, I’m not supposed to be driving, which is a whole other story, but Harry Potter put a spell on me so I had to break some laws), and bought my over priced ticket. I remembered that I had a gift card for Smoothie King and a Carribean Way sounded amazing so I popped in for on. I don’t know why or how but it took like ten freaking minutes for them to make my smoothie. I think it had something to do with the fact that the girl making it was far more interested in her text messages than my Caribbean Way. Anyways, the bitch made me late so I walked into a theater full of creepy middle-aged people sitting by themselves (and immediately saw myself ten years into the future) and couldn’t find a seat. I ended up finding one next to two 16-year-old girls. The movie starts.

-5 minutes in-
The girls sitting next to me start talking. I let it slide. I figured maybe they were just trying to remember what happened in the last movie and trying to get up to speed. Not everyone reads the entire series over each time a movie comes out like I do and I understand that.

-15 minutes in-
The girls sitting next to me pop their gum. Talk. Giggle. More gum popping.  My internal body temperature begins to rise as my temper begins to rise (keep in mind I am still on steroids and ready to rage at any given moment).  I take deep breaths and get lost back in Harry’s eyes and Ron’s new muscles.

me in 30 seconds...

-20 minutes in-
The girls sitting next to me are talking again. I shoot them the death stare… the one that says ‘don’t make me come over there because I will if I have to turn my head away from this movie again to tell you to shut up with my eyes.’ I usually give a few death stares then move onto my next move, which is the death stare accompanied with a “shsssssssshh.”

-30 minutes in-
More gum popping, giggling and chatting.  Another death stare. I had a feeling this was going to turn out like the time I saw “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and I actually yelled at a group of girls several times throughout the movie because my death stares and shussing didn’t work. In the process I embarrassed all of my girlfriends that were with me.. possibly why I have to see movies alone now.  Harry Potter is 2 hours and 33 minutes long. I sighed and faced the fact that I was probably going to have to get vocal.  I was only holding back at this point from giving them the ‘ssshhhh’ because I was by myself and there were two of them. I didn’t want to get tag-teamed in the parking lot after the movie by two Jonas brother’s fans.

-35 minutes in-
More talking. Gum chomping, etc. I shoot another death stare. This time, I couldn’t believe what I saw. THEY WERE MAKING OUT.  In Harry Potter.  A CHILD’S MOVIE.  I was immediately filled with a gigantic awkward feeling of creepiness. Did I do something illegal by witnessing these two underage lesbians make out? Does this count as watching kiddie-porn? If they report me for giving them death glares can I go to jail? So many questions were running through my mind.  I actually thought about getting up and moving just because I felt so uncomfortable.

-2 hours in-
I feel so uncomfortable I can barely enjoy the movie. I have had my hand blocking my right peripheral vision just so I can pretend that there aren’t two teenage girls acting like their at the Phantom Theater at Kings Island instead of a movie theater at Newport.  I am praying for Harry to wrap his shit up and for Dumbledore to be on his merry way into the afterlife so I can get the f out of there.

-1 minute into my car ride home-
I feel relief I got out of there without being arrested for being a pedophile. I don’t know if it only makes you a pedophile if you enjoy seeing kids make out or if you just see kids make out.. I didn’t want to stick around to find out so I sprinted as inconspicuously as I could to my car.

Now, I’m totally down with gays and lesbos and stuff but they ruined Harry Potter for me.

Ryaaaaaaaaaaaan
I hear you’re into cyberrrrrrrin
I know I’m not your girlfriend
But it doesn’t matter when you’re pounding send
The shared love bytes
Will be our secret on week nights
So tell B not to be bitter
Just cuz I wanna play with your twitter

Is this your first time meddling with cyber sin?
Because I love an online virgin.
Let me tell you how it goes
I’ve taught many of my hoes

First, before another key is pressed
Get all virtually undressed.
My favorite start
(if you wanna go straight to my heart)
Is to describe your bandwidth
And don’t think you can tell a myth
Just because were online
Lying is still not fine.
Don’t get it twisted
Or you will get fisted.

Pay close attention to my operating system
Ill tell you where to put your thumb
I always love a little ass play
And I will have  my way.
Sometimes I get a little rough
When you’re keystroking my muff.
Ohhhhhhhh I’m touching  your hard drive
Away message from XOXOcyberskank: brb in five.

They say never to trust a midget
Ever convincing, like a con artist
You fooled even the wise Bridget.
Oh munchkin, you think you’re the smartest.

You live with the gayest person, Drew
That’s an unexplored sexual tension long overdue.

It was towards the end when I figured you out
Clad in kelly green, my mind couldn’t find doubt.
I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.
perfect description, according to  folklore

It made sense why your teeth are so yellow
You little pot-o- gold-chasing- fellow.
Your blonde hair: a cheap imitation
naturally a red-headed, heel-clicking sensation,

It’s common knowledge that everyone knows
A leprechaun follows wherever a rainbow goes.
Chasing until they are beyond weary.
For this, I have a personal theory:
Rainbows are clearly super gay,
There’s no truth for you to weigh

At the end of rainbow it’s not as we’ve been told
There is no fortune. No gold.
Just short men playing with each other’s blarney stones,
And having three-somes with garden gnomes.